Flatty's Guide To Windows 95

Flatty's Guide To
Microsoft Windows 95 Hello! Welcome to my guide to the wonderful Operating System we like to call Windows 95, although it isn't actually version number ninety-five, that's a bit misleading. It was released in the year 1995, hence the name. It's follow up, Windows 98, was released in 1998. Will the follow-up to that be released in 2003 and be called Windows 3? If so, wouldn't that get confused with version three of Windows? Anyway, this is my guide to Windows 95, so let's start here...
That little box thing there is called the Start Button. That is what you click on to Make Windows Go. Don't worry, it won't Go away! Ha ha ha no! When you click on that button, the Start Menu appears. The Start Menu looks like this:
Each of the lines on the Start Menu is an option, and like options the world over, they can be chosen! For instance, clicking on the option called Shut Down prepares the computer to be shut down, fairly obviously. But we don't want to do that yet, do we? No! What's the point in reading a guide for your computer, on your computer, if your computer is turned off? Very little, and also quite quite impossible.

Ahh this is pleasant isn't it? Look here, it's the Windows Explorer! Yay! Three cheers for Explorer!
Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! So, you're asking, what isWindows Explorer? Good question. Well, firstly, it looks like this: To see more stuff about Windows Explorer, click here. No, on second thoughts, click here. Or to look inside your computer, click here.
AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! It's MS-DOS! Only a fool selects this! What has possessed you? This is what the (shudder) MS-DOS prompt looks like: For those unfamiliar with it, MS-DOS is the thing that preceded Windows. Now give thanks to Windows. MS-DOS stands for "Madness Shall Develop Once Started", for fairly obvious reasons. If you value your sanity and your hair, then try not to click on the MS-DOS Prompt option. Thankfully there are very few reasons why anyone, even those who are wearing suitable protective clothing, should attempt to venture into this hellish domain. Steer clear.
An option called Programs? How very vague, you may say. It can't have all the programs on my computer listed here, you may scoff. But wait! It can have all of them, if you so desire. But it's advisable not to, otherwise you end up with a submenu that fills up your entire screen and still needs more space. So, what is the way past that, you may ask? Well, you don't need every program on your computer in this menu, you know. And even if you want it to, it'd be more than Wise, it'd be Advisable in fact, to chop it all up into submenus. But not here, not now. You can do that later in Explorer when I've gone home.
Documents: This is where Windows keeps a check on all the documents you've been looking at recently. It's a nosey old thing is Windows. The only use for this bit is to go back quickly to some document you were looking at the other day. And not quickly, either. It has to go through all the fuss of starting up whatever application the document uses, so you may as well do that yourself, especially if the application has any sort of memory.
Oh by the way, if your computer decides to break down, and believe me they do do that sort of thing occassionally, then the people who repair it for you will look at all the recently viewed images, and also at every single image that may have an ambiguous name. And even some that don't. They aren't being nosey, it's in their contract. It's how someone with a reputation to uphold might get found out, regarding his tastes for pre-pubescent girls. Hypothetically, of course. Do you wanna be in my gang?
Settings. Uh oh. It's possible to change Settings from here, y'know. The most useful thing in the Settings submenu is a thing called the Control Panel. Here, you're able to change all sorts of things, like make your mouse go backwards when you push it forward, make your monitor go weird for a few seconds and then go back to normal, make your computer think it's possessed by the spirit of Elvis (he is dead. Sorry to break it to you so harshly.), and other useful things like that. So there. But if you want your computer to work, then LEAVE WELL ALONE! Unless you have a reason to change any Settings, in which case this is the place to do it.
Clicking on Find will take you eventually to this little window: It's a useful little tool, is Find. Helps you Find lost files, such as those little Notepad files that you might create in a burst of overzealous note-taking one night, and then save to some weird directory buried far in the bowels of Windows. And then when eventually you've found it, and opened it, you remember that you were drunk that night, and it's all just jibberish.
The Help option is a great deal of help. No really, it is. Did that sound like sarcasm before? Sorry. But it really is helpful! Here is what you'll see if you click on that option: Windows has a great deal of Help to offer you, if you were to look for it, you could spend days just reading all about how to install support for an SRAM memory card! Exactly how you want to spend your days, isn't it? I once got lost in the Help topics on how to open files. Took three men seven days just to locate me, and it took the four of us another four days to hack our way out back to the desktop. Poor old Smythe, he was taken from us in the Help topics about networks. A moment's silence for poor Smythe.
Okay, onto the next menu option!
The Run option opens up a small window that looks like this: All you need to do is type in a file name (full address, please, although not including the street address of the building the computer is in), and Windows will - well, it says it all in the box, really. I don't need to repeat it. Do I?
Seems I do. But I won't.
The Shut Down option brings up a window not too dissimilar to this one: Be careful what you choose from here, once you have selected something and clicked OK, you can't change your mind. Beware of the last one. Very dangerous, that.