Ashy Laura

Mr and Mrs von Trapp had always intended to have a big family, and when their first daughter, Laura, was born exactly nine months after their wedding night, they thought they had got off to a pretty good start. However, Mrs von Trapp, a motorcycle courier, was rather unfortunately killed in a dreadful incident involving a package she was delivering, or more specifically, the family of bears she was delivering it to. Pa Harrison, the head of the murdering family of bears, had said in court that they had recently been victim to a burglar, who it turned out to be the missing Goldilocks girl. At the party celebrating Pa Harrison's life sentence, the grieving Mr von Trapp met a woman called Mrs Schufenpufen, who was also recently widowed, and was mother to two young girls only slightly older than young Laura von Trapp. Within a few weeks, Laura's father married Mrs Schufenpufen, and the two sets of children were moved in with each other. Over the next few years, the three children grew up, obviously, and the two Schufenpufen girls picked on their younger step-sister, and set her to doing all the tasks that the two rather dim and oblivious adults set out for them. Because she spent so much time in the fireplace cleaning out the ash, Laura was given the dull nickname of Ashy Laura.

"Oh woe!" said poor oppressed Ashy Laura one day in the kitchen, while cleaning out the greasy muck from behind the oven with a toothbrush. "Oh woe! What a poor oppressed life I lead! How I wish..." She stopped to think for a while, and didn't notice the small glittery woman appear next to her.
"How I wish this kitchen would just clean itself!" She threw down the toothbrush in a fit of anger, and watched open mouthed as a tiny cloud of glitter swept across the kitchen and picked up all the dirt, cleaned out the greasy muck from behind the oven, washed the dishes, and surprised a passing cockroach.
"Hey, that looks like a small glittery cloud of magic..." she said to herself.
"Yeah, sorry about that..." said a small voice next to her. Ashy Laura looked down and saw a little old lady sitting on the floor.
"A little old magical lady!" Laura exclaimed pointlessly.
"Hey, not that little and old!" the little old magical lady protested, "I'm only 4237 years old, and nearly six inches tall! That's pretty young and tall for us fairies, you know."
"A fairy! My daddy told me about fairies!"
"He did? Damn, I thought we were a secret from adults."
"Yes! He said that Gilbert and Jeremy down the road were fairies. I always thought that fairies were little people, though."
The little magical fairy looked at Ashy Laura's young and innocent face and did a bit of quick thinking. "Oh we are, normally," she improvised, "But sometimes the Fairy King sends some of us out to live among people, so sometimes we need to grow big. Yeah, that sounds plausible enough."
"Oooh, what fun!" Laura said with glee, almost clapping her hands together, "I'll tell Gilbert and Jeremy that I know they're fairies next time I see them!"
"Oh, no, don't think that'd be a good idea..." the fairy did a bit more thinking, and ended up with a headache, "We melt if we find out that someone knows about us..."
"Oh boo!" Laura did a theatrical pout and rocked back on her heels. "What sort of magic can you do, Mrs Fairy?"
"Oh, you know, the usual fairy magic."
"What can you do with it, Mrs Fairy?"
"I make wishes come true!" said the fairy, getting back into the script and onto firmer ground, "And I'm your fairy godmother, so it's your wishes that I make come true. What do you wish for?"
"I wish I didn't have to do all this work." Laura said poutily, and lo, her wish was granted. Never again did she have to do the work she was set, the little cloud of magic did it all for her.

The following day, Laura was sitting on her box in the living room reading her comic, while her two older step-sisters were flicking through the paper.
"Oh look!" said Esmerelda, the older of the two, "Prince Charmer is throwing a party for all the local people, particularly of the single female persuasion."
"Great!" said Gertrude, the younger, "Might get lucky!"
Laura glanced up at her two step-sisters and regarded their features. Anyone with a sane mind would consider Esmerelda and Gertrude as ugly, and young Laura as pretty (at just twelve years of age - they'd have to leave it at 'pretty' or face a conviction of some sort). She raised an eyebrow at the thought that either of them might think that they had a chance with the handsome Prince Charmer. Gertrude noticed the raised eyebrow and laughed out loud, and spat out some of her crumbs.
"Hahahaha! You think you have some sort of chance with the Prince?" Gertrude said, "You're an ugly little girl, and we are beautiful young women!"
Laura began to sob lightly at their mocking and ran to her small bedroom.
"Oh! I wish I could go to that party too, in a beautiful dress, but all I have is these tatty robes!" she cried, leaping onto her bed and thumping the pillows.
The fairy godmother appeared on top of Laura's alarm clock, and slid off of the bell with a 'ting'.
"When is this party?" she asked, straightening her little glittery dress and hoping Laura hadn't noticed.
"Tomorrow evening... I couldn't possibly scratch together the pennies for even a half-decent dress and bar of soap in that time."
The fairy used her magic to dry away Laura's tears, and winked a little fairy wink at her. "Don't you worry about all that." she said, "You will have a beautiful dress, and a big horse-drawn carriage as well. You shall go to the ball!"
"The what?"
"The ball... oh, alright, the party. Just be in the kitchen tomorrow at seven, and bring a pineapple and a couple of mice!"

Esmerelda and Gertrude poked their tongues out at young Laura as they climbed into the family carriage, which was drawn (rather badly, and the colouring-in was even worse) by a small asthmatic donkey, and laughed at her as their mother and step-father drove them to Prince Charmer's party. This time, however, Laura didn't sob at the mocking, but merely stood and watched them leave. As soon as they were out of sight, she ran up to her bedroom and pulled a shoebox from underneath the bed. In it were a pineapple and a smaller box, which smelt funny and kept making squeaking noises. She hushed the box, and carried it all down to the kitchen, pausing only to check the clock. The time was almost seven.
At the moment the hallway clock bonged in seven o'clock, Laura's fairy godmother appeared on the sideboard.
"Got it all?" she asked, brandishing her little wand. Laura nodded and held up the pineapple and the box. "Okay," the fairy continued, "Pick me up and take us all out to the garden, and put everything on the floor."
Laura did as she was told, and once she had done so, she stood back, and watched as the fairy waved her magic wand. The familiar cloud of magic appeared and instantly floated into the kitchen.
you're going?" Laura peered through the window.
"It's doing the washing up, fairy." she reported. The fairy godmother flapped her tiny wings and flew over to the kitchen window. She tapped loudly to get the magical cloud's attention.
"Hey you, get back out here, you don't have to do the washing up tonight!"
The little magical cloud perked up slightly, and floated back out into the garden. It hovered near the fairy, who had flown back down next to the pineapple and the small box. The fairy pointed at the fruit, and the cloud sped over to it and the box, and even as Laura watched, the pineapple grew and grew and grew, all the while taking on a more wooden appearance, and growing a set of wheels, until eventually it was a large and beautiful carriage, complete with velvet curtains, soft cushions, a drinks cabinet (containing soft drinks, obviously... Laura's only twelve, remember), and a TV and video. The magical cloud then hovered over to the box and did it's stuff there. The box soon burst open, because the two mice that were in there were growing exponentially, until they were much larger than an ordinary mouse, and all the while, they were taking on a more equine appearance. Within less than a minute, two gorgeous white horses were standing in front of Laura. She went over and stroked their necks, and watched as the magical cloud hitched them up to the carriage, tying ropes to the hairs on the horses' necks.
"The horses and carriage really are the most delightful things I've ever seen!" Laura said happily, "But I can't go to the party, not dressed like I am."
Without a word from the fairy godmother, the little magical (and thoroughly tired) cloud darted over to Laura, and transmogrified her pitiful grey dirty dress into the most beautiful silk and lace affair that has ever existed, replete with diamonds and pearls. Her tatty sandals became wonderful dainty crystal shoes. Laura felt a light-headed feeling as the cloud continued to work it's magic on her, cleaning her face and hands, and applying a delicate hint of makeup to her already pretty features, and styled her hair into the latest fashion. Less than three minutes after it all started, dirty young Ashy Laura, a pineapple and two mice had been transformed into a beautiful young girl, and a magnificent horse drawn carriage. Laura stepped proudly into the carriage, and let the fairy's magic guide the horses to the Prince's party. The only thing she wasn't looking forward to was midnight; her fairy godmother had warned Laura that the magic was so intense, that it would all wear off by midnight.

The multistorey carriage park at the big white castle was already full of the most beautiful carriages, and the stables were already temporary home to dozens of the Black Forest's most glorious horses (and one wheezing donkey), but none were as spectacular as the carriage and horses that had brought the mysterious but beautiful young maiden. Nobody knew who she was, or where she had come from, but Prince Charmer knew at once that she was to be his wife. He took her hand as soon as she entered the main hall, and from that moment on, barely even noticed the other women who had come to be courted by the handsome prince. Gertrude and Esmerelda were particularly irritated, because not only did they feel that they were the most attractive women there, but also they felt that they recognised this stranger, but couldn't quite identify her. And Esmerelda was having some more problems of her own, because she kept getting bugged by an ugly man with a humped back.

The evening went well for Prince Charmer, although he couldn't persuade the mysterious beauty to stay at the palace; in fact, she insisted that she leave on her own before midnight, despite the prince's frequent winks and innuendos, and how he said the party wouldn't really get started and "swinging" until well after midnight. But the mysterious young lady wouldn't be swayed, she stuck to her original conviction, she would leave before midnight, and go home in her own carriage. Obviously the prince, being a charmer, and in the public eye, most of which were in the same room, had to abide by her wishes, and didn't complain too loudly when she left at 11:57. She was in such a hurry that one of her unique crystal shoes slipped off of her slender foot and remained uncollected on the steps to the palace. The prince watched the carriage with two startlingly white horses and no driver speed off into the night, holding in his hand the one reminder of the kingdom's most beautiful woman, and future princess.

The following day, Esmerelda and Gertrude woke up late and stomped down into the kitchen with splitting headaches. They were both grumbling about the disappointing evening before, and barely took any notice of young Laura sitting at the table eating her muesli.
"The worst thing," Esmerelda said, "Was that she wasn't as beautiful as everyone said. Not nearly as good looking as us, at any rate."
"Yeah, that prince must be blind. And his brother is as well."
"Oh I saw you chatting him up, how did it go?"
"Not good... his wife Luthinda thumped me." Gertrude winced as she felt her black eye, and the bite marks on her knees. Damn those very short men, they were all over the place.
Esmerelda flicked through the afternoon paper, and came across a full page advertisement.
"Found," she read out loud, "One small crystal shoe, owner believed to be future princess." Gertrude snatched the paper off of her sister and read the rest of the advert.
"The prince will be spending the day visiting all of the kingdom's young ladies to find the true owner. Immediate marriage upon discovery of owner a distinct possibility. Photo if poss."
The two ugly sisters looked at each other and grinned.

It had been a long and exhausting day. Prince Charmed had visited almost all of the young ladies in the entire kingdom. Only one household was left on the list, the home of the Von Trapp family. He and his courtiers approached the door, and his manservant Chives knocked sharply. Mr Von Trapp answered the door.
"Can I help you?" he asked. The prince opened his mouth to introduce himself, but Chives interrupted loudly.
"Let it be known," he yelled. All present cleared out their ears. "That His Royal Highness The Prince Charmed, second heir to the throne of the Black Forest, wishes to slip this shoe onto the feet of every young lady living under your roof."
"Oh really?" said Mr Von Trapp, unimpressed. "And what do I get out of it?"
"The successful applicant will marry the prince." said Chives, "You and the rest of your family will receive the riches and praise and ridicule associated therewith."
"Sounds pretty good to me, come on in." Mr Von Trapp stood aside and let the princely entourage enter his home. "These are my two step-daughters, Esmerelda and Gertrude."
"Urgh." said the Prince, unimpressed. "Very well," he sighed, "Let 'em try the shoe on."
Chives stepped forward and opened a small box. Within the box was a small yet glorious shoe made of crystal. Amidst a chorus of Ooooh's, he carefully took it out and offered it to the nearest of the two sisters, who happened to be Gertrude. She sat down and pulled off her own huge hobnail boots, and tried to put the crystal shoe on her stinking warty socked foot, but it wouldn't fit no matter how much she tried.
"Take off your sock." Mr Von Trapp suggested. The Prince and his entourage held their breath and noses as she did so, and attempted once again to fit the shoe over her foot. Try as she might, the shoe just would not fit.
"Shave off those warts and verrucas." Mr Von Trapp suggested. The Prince and his entourage held their stomachs and did their best not to release their breakfasts on the floor as she did so. All sorts of yucky fluids seeped into the carpet as Gertrude tried to squeeze her foot into the delicate crystal shoe.
"I think I've seen enough," said the Prince, "This isn't the right girl. How about you?" Chives snatched the shoe off of Gertrude and handed it to Esmerelda, who eagerly sat down and removed her shoes. She tried her best to fit it on, but it wouldn't even get past her toes.
"Take your stockings off." Mr Von Trapp suggested. The Prince and his entourage retched violently as Esmerelda hitched up her skirts and undid the garter belt. She pulled the stockings off, taking care not to catch them on the dry hard skin on her heels. She tried again to fit the shoe on, but still it wouldn't fit.
"Tear out your ingrown toenails." Mr Von Trapp suggested, handing his step-daughter a pair of pliers.
"No!" Prince Charmed half-shouted, half-vomited. "I definitely have seen enough! Are there no other young ladies living here?"
"None at all." Esmerelda and Gertrude replied in unison.
"There is my daughter Laura," Mr Von Trapp said quietly, "But I doubt it's her."
"Summon Laura!" Chives hollered.
"She's only twelve..." Mr Von Trapp pointed out.
"Summon Laura!" Chives shouted again, unmindful of the law. His master was, after all, royalty, so he could marry who he wanted, be they underaged or a close relative, or both. Mr Von Trapp shrugged and went off to the kitchen and got his young daughter, who was sitting reading a comic while a small magical cloud washed the ceiling.
"Come on," he said, "There's a prince out here, wants to see you try on a shoe."
Laura dutifully followed her father into the living room, where Prince Charmed and his entourage were waiting. The manservant handed the crystal shoe to Laura.
"Try it on!" he shouted. Laura sat down, removed her tatty sandals, and slipped the crystal shoe onto her small foot. It fitted perfectly.
"At last!" the prince cried, "The right girl! You shall be my bride! How old did you say she was?"
"Twelve."
Prince Charmed shrugged. "Doesn't matter, my mother is only twenty two, and I'm 19 this year. Get yer glad rags on, there's going to be a wedding!"

The wedding went without a hitch, with Esmerelda and Gertrude as the reluctant bridesmaids. Being a kind and forgiving soul, Laura decided not to have her two wicked step-sisters kicked out of the kingdom, but instead housed them in beautiful cottages near the palace, and ordered her magical cloud to cure their various foot problems. And, as they say, they lived happily ever after.

The moral of this story is:

Next tale...

= Younger brother of the recently married Prince Charming. Their father, King Charm, wasn't very good with names, calling his two sons Charming and Charmer, and his daughter Charmed.

= These wings haven't been mentioned before now because everyone knows that fairies have wings, right?

= Plugging it into the manes. Ouch. Sorry about that joke, I couldn't resist it.

= Except for the obvious one.

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