Not all inhabitants of the Black Forest lived in little cottages and honestly worked the ground for their living. Oh, no diddly no, not at all. There were at least two castles, one of which was a large glorious building with walls as white as, erm, a white thing, and the other was a nasty dingy little thing in a dark corner of the forest, where it rained almost all of the time. A charming prince lived in the big white castle, but that's another story. In the little castle there lived a witch, with wrinkly green skin. She had quite a resemblance to the witch that Hansel van Oberschnarfenheisenburgenhausenbrecher and Gretel van Oberschnarfenheisenburgenhausenbrecher boiled, they being sisters. She was a little bit peeved at her sister's unlikely fate, but right now she was more concerned about a certain white haired young lady.

Elsewhere in the Black Forest, not forgetting that it's quite a big forest, there was yet another little cottage, occupied not by a poverty-stricken family, or three bears, or anything like that, but by seven very short men, all miners. They all worked, as one might imagine, in the local mine, which was in danger of being closed down, as is so often the case.

Elsewhere elsewhere, a young homeless lady had strayed into the forest, and was lost.
"Oh woe," she said to nobody, "How I do hope that no nathty wolf or bear findth me, and gobbleth me up in one go! That would be thuch an inconvenienthe! And there ithn't any bwave pwinthe to save me, or mayhapth a thimple woodcutter! Woe!"
The young lady's name was, as most people would by now have guessed, Luthinda. Her hair was a brilliant white, not through old age, but was that way naturally. Some rather unimaginative people had decided that her pale hair was enough to inflict upon her the nickname of "Snow White". Some people...
She was, by the way, soppy.

Mere minutes after the seven dw- er, very short men had arrived at the cottage which they shared, the doorbell rang.
"Answer that, would you, Grumpy?" Happy said happily.
"Answer it yer bleedin' self." Grumpy grumbled, and got back to his GameBoy. Happy opened the door and found himself looking into what he suspected to be a female midriff. He looked up at the top of the body, and his suspicion was confirmed: it was a female midriff, on top of female legs, and underneath the top half of a female. A female human, no less, which was an added bonus, with long white hair. She was what Happy considered quite pretty.
"Hubba." he said.
"Ekthcuthe me?"
"What?"
"What did you thay?"
"Oh, nothing," Happy said, extending a hand upwards, "Hullo, I'm Happy."
"Are you? Golly. My name'th Luthinda." Luthinda said, and daintily took Happy's hand in hers. "What'th your name?"
"Happy." said Happy. He pulled Luthinda into the cottage, and slammed the door, the sound of which drowned out Luthinda's protest of "Golly!"
"Let me introduce you to my friends" said Happy, still holding Luthinda's hand. "This here is Grumpy..."
"Chuff off." said Grumpy.
"...this is Sleepy..."
"Zzzzzzzzzz" said Sleepy.
"...this is Sneezy..."
"Atchoo." said Sneezy. Well, obviously he didn't actually say that, no, that'd be silly. He sneezed.
"...this is Dopey..."
"Chill out, man."
"...this is Bashful..."
"Aw, shucks." said Bashful shyly, and blushed.
"...and this is Doc."
"Er, hallo." said Doc, and shuffled away, a little embarrassed.
"Actually," Happy said conspiratorially, "I don't know why we call him Doc. He's never even seen a scalpel, let alone use one. Anyway, that's his name, and if you don't like it, you can just -"
"Thith ith all vewy nithe, Mithter Happy," said Luthinda, "But I only came here to athk for diwectionth, and my daddy thaid I should never ever go into thtwange people'th houtheth."
"We're not thtwange! Er, strange!"
"Yeth you are, you're a bunch of weirdoeth!"
Happy shrugged, and conceded that they were a load of weirdos. Well, the other six were, anyway. "Directions, eh?" he asked.
"Yeth pleathe!" Luthinda said happily, and left it at that.
"Um, where to?"
"Out of the fowetht, pleathe."
"Out of the what?"
"The fowetht."
"What? What's a fowetht?"
"You know, fowetht. Full of tweeth."
Happy shook his head, still not comprehending. "No, still don't get you."
"Fowetht!" Luthinda said, beginning to get annoyed. "Tweeth! Thquiwwelth! Foktheth! Pwetty birdth! Vawiouth moththeth on the twee twunkth! You live in one!"
"I live in one?"
"Yeth!"
"A cottage? You want directions out of my cottage? Through the door you came in. Odd girl."
"No! Not the cottage! The fowetht!"
"No, I don't understand a word you're saying, I'm afraid." said Happy. "Why don't you spend the night here, and I'll see if we can get you out of the forest in the morning. Perhaps then you'll find someone who can understand you."

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, and all that gubbins." said the witch. "What goes on, mirror?"
"Ooh," said the mirror, "All sorts of stuff. Where shall I begin? Tell you what, alphabetically. Right then. There's an aardvark right now who's -"
"Shaddap. What's happening with Snow White?"
"Hang on, hang on. That's not for a long time yet, she comes after Snow Weevil."
"Tell me what she's up to right now," the witch sighed, "And then we can negotiate the order of the rest of the Universe."
"Okay then." The mirror paused dramatically, or at least as dramatically as a mirror can be. Which isn't, to be honest, an awful lot. But then, this mirror was no ordinary mirror. It was a Reflect-A-Lot Supermirror �, with added spy facilities, optional widescreen mode, half-speed playback and cable TV. In short, it was a top of the range model, which meant that half of it's functions couldn't be understood by anyone with less than a degree in physics, and could go wrong very easily. "She's in bed."
"Bed? Whose bed?"
"Those seven very short men who live near the mine."
"What - all of them?"

There were eight in the bed, and the little one said, "Roll over."
"Look, shut up you lot." said Luthinda. "How can I get to thleep if all theven of you do that? Hmm?"
"Sorry, but we do that every night..." Bashful mumbled, and then giggled in embarrassment.

There were eight in the bed and the little one said, "It's an orgy! Wa-hey!"
"Shut it. And don't touch that!"

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm." said the witch. "How can I get rid of that young lady? Hmmmmmmm."
"So, witchy," said the mirror, "Why do you want to get rid of her?"
"Be quiet! Who are you to question me?"
"Y'don't know why, do you?"
"Of course I know why, you insolent piece of glassware! Now be quiet, and let me think of a way to dispose of her!"
The mirror hung there silently for a bit, and then said, "So...... why?"
"Be quiet! Aha! Hah! Hah hah! Hah hah hah! Hah hah hah hah! Hah hah hah hah hah! Hah!"
"Nasty cough."
"I know how I can kill wound in a rather nasty way (why is that red?) Snow White!"
"How?"
"I knew those poisoned kiwi fruits wouldn't be a complete waste of money!"

"What'th that thmell?"
"Oh, that's Dopey and his Different cigarettes. Ignore him, he's higher than a kite."
"Okey-dokey-shmokey-pokey. What'th for bweakfatht?"
"What's for what?"
"Bweakfatht."
"Oh! Oh, I dunno. Not much. Bacon, probably. Bacon, and eggs, and black pudding, and sausages, and fried bread, and mushrooms, and grilled tomatoes, and last night's party snacks, and a steaming pot of tea, a couple of muffins -"
"Wa-hey!"
"Shut up, Sneezy! Jeez, he's got it on the brain, that man."
"That'th a lot of food..." said Luthinda, listening to her rumbling stomach.
"Well, we're growing men." said Happy.
"Wa-hey!"
"Tell you what," Happy continued, "Let's go for a quiet walk in the woods, just you and I..."
"Well, I'd wather eat thome of that food..."
"Later, mon cherie." Happy said, getting all happy.
"Um, no, I'm going to eat." Luthinda bounded over to the table. "Move over, woom for a little one?"
"Wa-hey!"
"I'm quite frankly insulted by that, young lady."
"Little one! You couldn't resist it could you?"
"Hey, what's all the fuss, man?"
"You couldn't keep it in, could you?"
"Wa-hey!"
"Thowwy, I won't thay it again. I wath vewy thoughtleth and inconthidewate."
"Er, yeah, whatever that means."

The witch struggled through the forest with a rucksack over her shoulder. That mirror was really heavy. She wasn't sure why she had brought it with her, because there was nowhere to plug it in. Still, it probably had some advantages. Probably. Possibly. Maybe. A slight chance. Very slight. Quite unlikely, in fact. I was probably going to be a useless burden. Nope, there was absolutely no reason whatsoever why she should have bothered with it.
However, the kiwi fruits weren't very heavy at all. Eventually, she arrived at the door of the cottage of the seven very short men, and knocked on the door. A very short man with no beard, but very hooded eyes and a veil of odd-smelling smoke, opened the door.
"Yo." he nodded.
"Er, right. Is Snow White in?"
"Who?"
"Snow White."
"Who?"
"Snow White?"
"Who?"
"Luthinda?"
"Who?"
"A very short man?"
"Who?"
"Dopey?"
"Who?"
"Vvvvvvrrrrrr bing bing wibble?"
"Who?"
"I thought as much. Let me in."
"Who?" The witch barged her way past Dopey, and into the cottage.
"Who?" said Dopey at the door.
"Right then, where's Snow White?"
"Who?"
"Oh, don't start that again. Where is Luthinda?"
"Why?" asked Doc, "Are you going to do something really crazy and bizarre and fairly pointless and unprovoked, like feed her a poisoned apple?"
"Hahahahahahahahahaha, no, don't be silly."
"Well, that's okay then. She's out walking with Happy."
"Where?"
"Out in the fowetht, she said, but I don't know what that's suppose to mean. Between you and me," Doc leaned closer to the witch and lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "I think she's got a loose screw."
"Wa-hey!"
"Who?" came a voice at the door.
"Fowetht, you say?"
"Yes, although I don't think that's where they went."
"No?"
"No, I think they went to the forest."
"Right, I'll be out there then."
"Yeah."
"Bye"
"Bye"
"I think this scene has gone on a bit too long now."
"Yes, I think you should leave now."
"Um, okay. Bye."
"Bye"
"Bye"
"Get out."

Luthinda skipped along soppily, plucking buttercups and daisies and putting them in her hair. At one point, Happy was sure he saw her talking to a bluebird that had landed on her shoulder.
"Lalalalala!" she sung, like a mad'un. Happy shook his head in despair and wondered what it was he saw in her. And then he remembered. It was the midriff. Mmmmm, the midriff...
"Ithn't thith happy and gay?"
"No I'm not!" Happy retorted, just a little too quickly. "Oh right, I see what you mean. Happy and gay, like jolly, or something, or... oh god, I'm going."
"Ooh, it'th tho nithe! I feel happy!"
"Not yet you haven't."
"Look at all the pwetty flowerth! And the thquiwwelth and the tweeth!"
"And the bears and wolves and beartraps and yetis..."
"Oh, you're tho gwumpy!"
"No, I'm Happy."
"You don't look it, gwumpy pantth!"
"Grumpy pants? Only when he's happy..."
"But you're Happy."
"Not right now, I'm not."
And so it continued very much in that vein, until the witch turned up.
"Aha!" she yelled, "Snow White!"
"Who?"
"Oh hell, it's another very short man. Get out of it, Jolly, or whatever your name is. Hey, Luthy, get a load of this kiwi fruit!"
"But I don't like kiwi fwuitth!"
"Eat the damned fruit."
Luthinda would do anything for a quiet life, and so she ate the kiwi fruit, and promptly died fell over, asleep, but otherwise quite healthy.
"You've killed hurt Luthinda, you witch!" Happy cried, or at least that's what it sounded like.
"Yes! And I'd do it again! Hahahahahahahaha!" And with that, the witch ran away, cackling evilly, and leaving Happy to sob at Luthinda's side.

Eventually, Happy arrived back at the cottage, dragging Luthinda behind him.
"Man, is she heavy" he panted, dropping her in the water butte. He opened the door and broke the news to the other very short men.
"It's Luthinda! She's dead fast asleep!"
"Oh woe!" said Doc, not being sarcastic, just sounding like it. "What are we to do?"
"Are you being sarcastic?"
"No, I - oh, there's someone at the door."
After a short pause, in which the seven very short men looked anxious and waved at someone off-stage, the doorbell rang. Dopey answered it.
"Why are you making bell noises, Dopey?" Doc asked, opening the door. The visitor was a man who was irritatingly tall and handsome, perfect in just about every way.
"Hi," he said perfectly, "I'm the handsome prince from just up the road. Got any princely jobs you need doing?"
"Such as what?"
"Marrying beautiful women whose insensible footwear has fallen off, marrying beautiful women who were stupid enough to fall for the old poisoned sewing machine trick, marrying beautiful women who were stupid enough to fall for the old poisoned kiwi fruit trick, marrying beautiful women who were kept locked up in the privy bu their evil stepmothers, that sort of thing."
"Er, no, but we do have a burst pipe out the back."
The perfectly handsome prince gave this some thought. He decided that he needed the money. "Yeah, alright then."
"Wait!" Happy shouted.
"What?"
"Did you say poisoned kiwi fruit?"
"Yes, I did."
"What an amazing and timely coincidence! We do have a beautiful woman who was stupid enough to fall for the old poisoned kiwi fruit trick!"
"Great! Where is she?"
"Outside, in the rain bucket." Happy led the prince outside, and was followed by Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy and Bashful.
Doc tutted and rolled his eyes. He grabbed his tool bag and set about fixing the burst pipe.
"If you want anything done, you have to do it yourself!"
"Wa-hey!"

Happy and the prince pulled Luthinda out of the water butte and dumped her on the floor.
"She's a bit wet." Happy apologised. "And she's quite damp as well."
"Not to worry, I've had 'em wetter!"
"Wa-hey!"
"Right, princey, do your stuff."
"Oh please," the prince said, "Call me Charming."
"Charmed, I'm sure."
"No, it's Charming." The prince, with the frankly unbelievable name Charming, leant over Luthinda and gave her a long, deep kiss. She woke up almost immediately.
"Is that it?" Happy complained. "That didn't work for me! I mean, if I'd tried it, that is. Ahaha."
"Special lips, mate." Charming said, sweeping up Luthinda in his arms. "Come with the title."
"Oh, Pwinthe Charming!" Luthinda sai, all doey-eyed. "I am tho vewy vewy vewy vewy happy! Oh, let'th get mawwied!"
"I didn't understand a word of that, but that doesn't matter. Let's go into the undergrowth -"
"Wa-hey!"
"- and get married."
"Oh." said Sneezy, disappointed, and sneezed.

And the moral of this story is:

Next tale...

It's got those red bits cos there might be some sort of ruling against killing people, so she's just going to get hurt. Okay? Of course, you already knew that. It was a silly question for you to ask! As punishment, return to the story.

THE TALES

OF THE

REAPERS

GRIMM

If you can see this, I'm only making space.