Little Red Riding Hood, The Little #@!$*£!

Hector the wolf strolled less than calmly through the forest, having just finished taking out the last of the stones that those damned goats had put in his stomach. His restitching was quite good, so he was quite confident that his dinner, when eventually he caught some, wouldn't fall out. Hector paused in mid-stride when he heard the distinctive whistle of that Red girl coming closer. Grinning toothily, or fangily, to himself, Hector secreted himself behind a tree and waited.

And not for very long. Less than fifteen seconds later, Red approached that same tree, and swore loudly when Hector leapt out from behind it.
"Ha-ha!" the wolf shouted, "Prepare to be eaten!"
"What the f@#* do you want, wolfie?" Red snapped. She wasn't in the right sort of mood to put up with damn fool wolves leaping out on her. But then, she never was.
"I'm going to eat you, little girl!"
"F*$@ me are you! Get out of my way, you hairy a@#!ed son of a b!@#*."
"That's not much of an insult," Hector recoiled, "My mother was a b#@*$."
"Well," Red snapped, "Get the f!%@ out of my way anyway." She pushed past Hector, not fazed in the slightest that he was a talking bipedal canine. Hector's face screwed up in anger, and he ran round to block Red's path again.
"I said I'm going to eat you!" he said angrily. Red scowled at him.
"No you f&$@ing well aren't! P*!# off!" She continued on her way, only to be stopped by the determined Hector yet again.
"Where are you off to in such a hurry anyway?" he asked impatiently.
"Granny's house." Red replied curtly, "Now b!&*@# off!"
Hector let the nasty little girl go. Granny's house, eh? Hmmm....

Being a wolf, Hector could travel faster and knew more short cuts than Red, so he got to the clearly signposted cottage in good time, and let himself in through Granny's back door, which she always left unlocked for Red's little visits.
"Is that you, my dear?" she called from her bedroom.
"Yes, um," Hector changed the pitch of his voice to more closely match Red's. "Yes it f!%&ing well is me!"
"Oh, Red!" Granny called, amidst the sounds of an old lady getting hurriedly back into her nightdress and into bed. "I thought you were the woodchopper!"
"Er, no." Hector crept into the bedroom and stopped Granny from screaming as he bundled her into the wardrobe, to be eaten later. He cross-dressed into her nightgown, cap and glasses, and climbed into her bed, pulling the blankets close to his chin.
A minute or so later, Red came stomping into the cottage.
"Is that you, my dear?" Hector asked in Granny's voice, copying her earlier words to him.
"Of course it's f!%@ing well me, Granny. Who the hell else could it have been?"
"Come into the bedroom, my dear, I have something for you."
Red scuffed her way into Granny's bedroom, and eyed the wolf-in-pensioner's-clothing suspiciously.
"My, Granny, how you've changed. Hairier, for a start."
"Um, yes. It's my age, don'tcha know." Hector improvised.
"My, Granny," Red said, feeling herself slip into some ancient and unchanging pattern, "What big eyes you have."
"All the better to see you with, my dear?"
"My, Granny, what big ears you have."
"Damn cheek!" Hector said, but then remembered the script, "Um, all the better to hear you with, my dear."
"My, Granny, what a big nose you have."
"All the better to smell you with, my dear." Hector wondered where he was getting all this from.
"My, Granny," Red continued, "What big teeth you have."
"All the better..." Hector started, and jumped out of the bed, throwing the nightdress and cap aside dramatically, "To eat you with!" He set upon Red with all the ferocity he could muster, which was quite a lot, but not as much as Red.

Granny's 'special' friend, Phil the woodchopper, was already at the door to the cottage when he heard the sounds of a scuffle from within. He ran in, to be confronted with the scene of a wolf swallowing Granny. On the floor in front of the wolf was Granny's granddaughter's little scarlet riding hood. Phil ran at the wolf, and took full advantage of the lupine's fresh abdomenal stitching. Granny and Red tumbled out of the howling animal.
"What the f$%# kept you?" Red demanded.
"Yeah," said Granny, both of them being quite miraculously intact, "It was f%$@ing cramped in there!"

Hector dragged himself away unnoticed, and restitched his stomach. Today just hadn't been his lucky day. It was then that he saw a little pig moving into his new straw house. Hector smiled a little wolfie smile, and wondered if his lungs were up to a bit of hard work.

The moral of this story is:

Next tale...

= Look, I don't want any rude references to "choppers" okay? This isn't that sort of story. Now,

THE TALES

OF THE

REAPERS

GRIMM

If you can see this, I'm only making space.