The Princess Who Peed

Now that her two brothers, Charming and Charmer, had married, and her father King Charm had publicly humiliated himself, beautiful young Princess Charmed decided to leave home and look for another kingdom to live in. So off on her travels she went...

...to a far away kingdom (almost twenty miles away) which was ruled by the happy King Pete and his son Prince Bob. Charmed knocked on the castle door and asked to be let in.
"Let me in!" she said sweetly, but there was no reply. She pushed at the door and wandered in, past the sleeping guard. 'Good lord', she thought, 'And I thought Daddy wasn't very good at security arrangements!'. The lovely princess Charmed looked around at the castle walls, which were painted for the most part in a rather bright pink, and had lots of paintings not of ancestors, but of men wearing underpants with writing around the band. The chandeliers had large frilly lightshades on them, and the carpet was a good deep shag.
"Hello?" she called out. At once, a rather frighteningly large-bosomed maid appeared, wearing a short black dress with a white lacy apron.
"Yes?" she giggled, and flourished her yellow feather duster.
"Um, I was wondering if this castle had any kings or princes who want to get married..." Charmed said, staring at the feather duster.
"There's a prince who wants to get married!" the maid giggled, "But the king is happy with the single life!"
"Um could you point me in the direction of the prince?" Charmed asked. The maid giggled some more.
"Through those doors there!" she giggled, and walked away humming happily to herself. Charmed walked through the doors the maid had indicated and stepped into a room whose walls were adorned with paintings of women with big melons and flashy sports models of the latest carriages, right down to the racehorse with go-faster stripes. Sitting in a chair in the middle of the room was a young man wearing a leather prince-robe, with his hair dyed jet black and combed backwards. He was reading a magazine about carriages, with a totally unrelated picture of a woman with a large pair of bassoons. Charmed cleared her throat politely.
"Hey babe!" the prince said, looking up from his magazine. He stood up and pulled out a chair for her to sit on. "Hiya," he continued, "Do you know any medicine?"
"Oh are you ill?" the princess asked, sitting down.
"You've made my heart stop, babe!" The prince sat on the arm of Charmed's chair and stuck out a hand. "My name's Bob, what's yours, beautiful?"
"Charmed." she replied, shaking his hand gracefully.
"Nice to meet you too, but what's your name?"
"Charmed."
"So what's a gorgeous young thing like you doing here?" asked Prince Bob.
"My father exposed himself in the street in front of the whole town and both of my brothers got married," Charmed explained, "So I thought I'd come and look for a prince to marry."
"You've found your prince right here, sugar! So you wanna be a princess?"
"Oh I already am!" she said, "But I want to get married! I'm gagging for it!"
"That's as perfect as you, babe! Let's do dinner!"

Dinnertime came, at which Charmed met King Pete, who didn't believe that she was a real princess, even after she showed him a picture of her father in his full regalia, at a King's Ball with all the other local kings, including Pete himself. She also showed him pictures and newspaper clippings of her brothers' recent weddings. King Pete looked rather disappointed when he found out the princes were married.
"But I am a real princess!" she protested when Pete still wouldn't believe it.
"You can do the Test." he said ominously. Charmed agreed, desperate to prove that she was a princess, and let the happy king do it without telling her what it involved (which, for the Readers, that's you, was placing a pea underneath many mattresses, because only a true princess with soft princessy skin would be able to detect the pea. Oh you already knew that, did you? Have you read a story like this one before?).
"That was a lovely meal, by the way, and we've all had lots to drink," she said, "But I'm still a little hungry!"
"Hey babes," Bob said, "Wanna bit of my sausage?"

When Charmed went to bed that night, in the guest quarters, she found she had to scale a ladder to sleep on top of seven mattresses. When she asked why she had to sleep so high up, the maid just giggled and ran away. Charmed sighed and (anyone underage look away now) got undressed for bed and climbed in, under the thick covers (okay you can look again). She soon fell asleep, because she was tired. What better reason, eh?

The following morning, King Pete asked how Charmed had slept.
"Well, I just closed my eyes, and after a minute or so my brain shut down some of the less important functions, and my breathing slowed down."
"No, I meant, was your sleep comfortable?" Pete waited eagerly for the answer, knowing that if she answered No, then she must be a real princess.
"No, it was really uncomfortable -" she replied.
"Ah ha!" said Pete, satisfied that this girl really was a princess.
"Because," Charmed continued, "I had so much to drink last night, I had to get up to go to the Ladies', but I kicked the ladder away and wet the bed." She stared at the blank but slightly disgusted expressions of the king and prince, and started to blush. "Well if you'd given me just the one mattress, I would have been able to get up."
Bob and Pete said nothing.
"What are you looking at me like that for?" Charmed said, "Oh yeah, and I was sleeping on a big lump. My back's killing me now."
"Ah ha!" said Pete and Bob in unison, satisfied again, and slightly relieved as well. Er, not relieved in the same way she was.
"But it was just my teddy all screwed up." She stared at them staring at her again. "What?!"

And she lived happily ever after. Not with Prince Bob, but if you ask me, she was better off without. The moral of this story is:

The Tales Of The Reapers Grimm

Very thick and fluffy carpet, feels nice on bare feet, if a little tickly. Piece of advice: if you have a small dog like a chihuahua or a dachshund, never ever get a deep carpet, or you may never see the poor animal again. Up there...

Gardening pictures, painted at last year's fruit and vegetables competition. Up there...

She must have been a keen musician. Up there...

Meaning, she really wants to get married. Up there...

A lovely pork and herb sausage, fried in just a little bit of fat. You really must try and find some, they are quite delicious. Up there...

Teddy bear. Up there...

THE TALES

OF THE

REAPERS

GRIMM

If you can see this, I'm only making space.