"Oh no!!" cried Primrose in a state of something or other, "Kirsty has disappeared!"
"Good thing too." mumbled Charlie.
"Zipadee doo-dah, zipadee ay, my oh my what a wonderful day" said Mr Furry, "Er, I mean,
Die horribly and violently"
"But she was my best friend!" said Primrose, "Right! We have to really step up this investigation!"
"What investigation?" Charlie asked, anxious to go home.
"We're investigating these Mysterious disappearances, remember?"
"Oh, yeah, right."
Coming soon: Geoffrey's third line!!!
Poopface stared out the window and wondered why he was bothering to continue with all this Evilness, if it
was all really worth it. But then he remembered why he was so Evil; it was the first word in his character
description. He settled down into his Evil rocking chair and smoked his Evil pipe (not 'Evil' pipe with Evil
tobacco, just a regular pipe with regular tobacco, but called Evil because of the owner's inherent Evilness.
Apologies for any confusion caused). He sighed and poured himself a glass of his finest double malt Evil whisky.
Why are we here seeing what Poopface is up to, you may ask. Why indeed? There's no reason, so let's look at something
else, perhaps some cute kittens playing with a ball of wool:
Poopface picked up a halfbrick he always kept near his rocking chair and hurled it at the cute kittens.
"Leave that wool alone, it costs money." he said in his distinctive underlined manner. Hmm, it would appear that
Poopface is in fact meant to be in this part of the story.
The audience sits "Oooh"ing and "Aaah"ing as the camera pulls back with some fancy effects and reveals that Poopface is in
fact sitting on his Evil rocking chair in a room that is not in Mr Beef the cow-man's living room, but looks strikingly familiar...
regard the computers with glass doors and flashing lights, regard the tape reels, regard the colourful arrays of buttons, hear the
bleep-bloop noises, briefly glimpse the boom microphone disappearing off the top of the screen, see...
Poopface's evil master, the grey captain Jjjjmmmm, stepped into view and clicked his fingers. Poopface blinked, and looked around himself.
"Where am I? Who are you? Who am I? Where are you?" he asked.
"You are aboard our massive mothership orbitting low above your homeworld, specifically over the still-nameless mediaeval city." replied Jjjjmmmm,
"I am Jjjjmmmm, captain of our massive mothership. You are Poopface, an unfortunately named human who has been under our evil control since birth.
What was the other question?"
"Where are you?"
"Oh right. I'm here."
"But why do you control me? What are your Evil plans?"
Jjjjmmmm struck a pose and looked into the camera. "Our evil plans..." he said dramatically, "Are to take over the world!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!"
"Nasty cough."
"It's a laugh."
"Oh sorry, I thought you were coughing."
"No, I'm fine, thanks."
"Okay, good."
Primrose looked with a great deal of anticipation at Geoffrey. She nodded and smiled in an encouraging way.
"Oh..." said Geoffrey. Primrose laughed hard and long, and slapped her dim and quiet pal on the back.
"Anyway, where were we?" she said superfluously. "Oh that's right, weren't we about to return to Mr Beef the cow-man's
house to look for Poopface and more clues?"
"Er, no..." said Charlie.
"C'mon gang!" Primrose yelled excitedly, "We have some investigating to do!!!" She ran off in the direction of Mr Beef
the cow-man's house. Charlie shook his head in despair and looked at Geoffrey as they began to walk slowly after her.
"That girl needs to reduce her sugar intake." he said. 'He' being Charlie, not Geoffrey.
"Everything will come out well in the end" said Mr Furry, and washed his whiskers. "I think I'm losing my touch"
Primrose knocked on the door to the home of Mr Beef the cow-man. When there was no answer forthcoming, Primrose pushed the door lightly,
and it swung open.
"Hmmm," she said, "There are goings-on a-going on." She stepped into the dark house, followed closely by her two remaining pals, and Mr
Furry, who had an angelic look about him, as well as a worried look. "Hello?" Primrose called out, but there was no reply... it seemed that
nobody was in.
"Nobody's in." said Charlie, "Let's go home, I'm hungry."
"No wait Charlie, what's that?!" Primrose pointed at a dark and shadowy heap in the corner.
"It's a dark and shadowy heap." said Charlie, squinting at the dark and shadowy heap, "And it's in the corner."
Primrose approached the dark and shadowy heap in the corner and prodded it with one foot. The dark and shadowy heap in the corner made a noise
not unlike "moo?" and rolled out of the corner. The dark and shadowy heap that was no longer in the corner unfolded itself and stood up.
"Mr Beef the cow-man!" Primrose exclaimed, "What happened?"
"I was chewing some cud, when suddenly -" Mr Beef the cow-man paused dramatically, for no good reason, "- that man with the underlined voice
disappeared in a shaft of light!" He grinned widely at Primrose and then shuffled sideways out of view.
"So..." said Primrose, sucking on a length of liquorice that had appeared in her hand, "It would seem that Poopface was in fact connected with
the Mysterious disappearances, but not in the way we suspected!"
"That you suspected..." Charlie mumbled, "I only came along because I was bored, now I wanna go home."
"Now we can add Poopface to the list of people who have disappeared!"
"I jolly well hope everyone arrives home safely" said Mr Furry, and shook his feline head in despair. Primrose ran out of the house, and was
followed unenthusiastically by Geoffrey and Mr Furry, and even less enthusiastically by Charlie, who now was only following because Mr Beef the cow-man's
house smelt of fertiliser.
Primrose stopped suddenly in her tracks and barely moved when the others cannoned into her back.
"What's wrong?" asked the woman from part two, who happened to be passing.
"This isn't the unnamed mediaeval city!" said Primrose, looking around her and chewing the liquorice.
"Yes it is," Charlie said and prodded Primrose from behind, "Now get a move on."
"No, can't you see? There are walls all around us, and there are strange flashing lights... and what's that noise?" Primrose cocked her head to one side
and listened hard. "'Bleep' it goes," she said, "And then 'Bloop'."
Charlie looked at Primrose with a disbelieving stare. "Are you sure that that is liquorice you're eating?"
"Open up your mind!" Primrose said in her best narrating-a-low-budget-TV-show-about-the-late-1960's voice, "And see the truth!"
Charlie sighed and snatched the stick of liquorice off of Primrose. He had a good suck and his eyes opened wide with awe.
"Wow!" he said, "Where do you get this stuff? That's a great effect!"
"Oh right I forgot, humans can't see this stuff" said Mr Furry, and did the feline equivalent of a shrug, whatever that may be. Geoffrey picked up his Auntie Vera's cat and
hugged it tightly. Mr Furry started purring, but remembered himself and hissed. Geoffrey then did something quite unthinkable...
"I'm scared." he said.